Myself

Who Am I?

To be honest, I’ve never asked myself such a complex question, though there is this constant struggle going on within me all the time to actually discover the true colors of my personality. There are times when I think that I know my sense of direction and where I’m going at, but then I’m struck by such a dominant force, which shifts my path to a very unfamiliar journey, leading towards another uncertainty. By the time, I’ve come to realize that I always ought to choose a promising way, but I’m never able to settle myself in the loop, where I deliberately blindfold myself to the extent to which finally burst out and find peace in the anonymity that life has to offer.

Never have been able to realize my true potential by far, normally it’s this dilemma of settling down with the norms of the society. If I really am honest to my words and ultimately to myself, I try extremely hard to fit in with the on-going activities of life, but something or someone inside is pushing me not to say or act according to the social requirements. Always going at a steady pace towards a targeted goal, later comes an unavoidable block whenever I’m at the point of grasping my desired aim, and this so-called block very cleverly injects a confusion in my state of mind that concerns the most vital question of existence as a being, “Why I’m doing what I’m doing?’. It is of the utmost importance to me that whatever I’m doing is worthy of my precious time, because time is the most tormenting phenomena of all, at least for me.

I had this innocent wish when I was really young, I never wanted time to pass and I longed for a space in time, which was infinite and never ending. Then, I realized the undeniable truths of life, which completely radicalized my entire life pattern, when I came to the conscious that time will wait for no one and there was this other side of the story that completely disagreed with the notion of time and advised me to embark on a life journey, which was undisputed of the fact that life has an end. I believe if I learn without knowing that time is passing and create with the awareness of time, my life would be somewhat satisfied for me.

Sometimes I ask myself when people around me think of me as a miserable person, am I actually that isolated and anti-social, but the thing is, I really cannot disassociate myself with whatever I’m in my confined form. Though I’m open to ambiguity and perspectives, but am I that much weak of a man that I really want myself to feel a part of a group, am I not a developed and a mature being, to be able to stand alone, defying all the odds placed in front of me? People say that you need someone to share your anxiety and the hardship of life, essentially love but they fail to see that love can be in every form, even in the form of obsession. 

For me obsession is when I get up in the middle of the night because maybe I realized that my unconscious has somehow been able to design a certain harmony, which I play out on any available instrument to actually confirm its profoundness. I’m what I feel I’m, I’m that belief that has yet to be recognized! Just for the record, my name's Nabeel and let's not get into the details, because it takes time for me to open up, well you'll get to know soon, which is all I can say for now.